Man, I hate when I’m holding a cup of coffee and I sneeze. Coffee all over.

I pulled into my driveway last night around 12-ish, and there was a troupe of flannel-clad teenagers carousing in my lawn. Once they noticed me it must have dawned on them that they were in the wrong yard, so they clumsily felt their way next-door. It seemed innocent enough, except for one girl (who, from their yelling, I gathered was called “Jamie”) This poor Jamie girl was absolutely blackout drunk, the kind of drunk you never want to be, especially at age 14.

I pretended to get stuff out of my trunk so that I could figure out if this girl was laughing hysterically or sobbing uncontrollably (strange how those two things can sound the same) Definitely sobbing. Moaning, actually. For a bit I thought she was on some kind of nasty drug trip, but her vehement declarations that she would “NEVER drink again” cleared that up.

The prospect of offering a glass of water or a ride home or a bucket to puke in crossed my mind. Mainly because her friends weren’t helping her out at all. But then, I sort of hate teenagers. I went up to bed, but not to sleep because I could hear EVERYTHING these kids were saying from my open window.

Jamie: “I just wanna go home! I just wanna go home! I just wanna go home!!!” (I’m almost certain Jamie is my next-door neighbor, so I’m baffled as to why she didn’t just march inside and go to bed.)

Other girls: “Jamie, shut the fuck up!”

Jamie: “I’ve hooked up with all of you, except you! I’ve hooked up with all of you, except you!"

Other girls: “Jamie, shut up or your mom is going to come outside!” (How did she not?!)

Jamie: “I can’t help it. Someone tell me where I’m going! Get away from me!”

Scuzzy teenage boys: “Not to change the subject…but who do you think has the best chest here? You girls wanna show us?”

Jamie: “He kissed me, but he only wanted you. He kissed me, but he only wanted you!” (piss-drunk teenagers tend to repeat themselves ad-infinitum)

I should have been at least a little peeved, but they were amusing enough. More than enough.

I'd say this 4th of July weekend was a major success.