In a perfect world, I would:

- own a bookstore with spiral staircases and moving ladders

- have long, thick hair

- drive a pink moped with a matching pink helmet

- cook vegetables from my own garden

- live in a secluded cottage with ivy scaling the stone chimney

- publish moving fiction in snooty journals that paid me handsomely

- understand Lost

It's Cinco de Mayo! Exercise your God-given, American right to get loaded in the name of a holiday whose origins and significance you know nothing about! Lime margaritas and guacamole are on the house tonight!